You love the news so much that you must read the paper every morning as if the fate of the Earth depended on it. The train might be crowded, but you open up the full spread to maximum width. You're oblivious to people you're bumping into and personal space you're invading. Each time the train accelerates and decelerates, you stumble clumsily. Sometimes you come pretty close to falling on your ass, but you refuse to grab hold of the pole because you must protect your paper.
Here's to you, Mr. Stumbling Non-Dexterous Eyes Glued to Newspaper Guy. Your reckless disregard for your own safety has inspired me to apply passion to my interests. However, risk of injury to read about the latest tragedy has a lop-sided return.
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